I don’t know about much. For example, I know I have a 401(K) but I have no idea where it is, how much it is worth, or how I would even go about finding out this information. For all I know, Seal Team 6 recovered it in Osama Bin Laden’s compound. Nor do I know what my bellybutton is. I know it tickles when I try to untie it, but as far as what it leads to and how cutting it out would affect my life, I’ll leave that to the experts. One thing I do know about is having successful first dates. So I present to you, blog #1 of “Awesome Tips from a Really Cool Guy: The Guide to a Perfect First Date.”
1) LOCATION: In the kingdom of first dates Applebee’s is Mecca. Go ahead and grab a “Two for Twenty” deal and listen to Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River” subtlety play over the house speakers. Also, if you are spending more than $40 the first time you go out with a woman, you are putting an unnecessary airs. You don’t have money; because if you did you wouldn’t be on a first date…you would have a girlfriend. Don’t be afraid to whip out those Living Social coupons either. Every girl loves a guy who is conscious about his money.
2) ARRIVAL: Make sure to meet her there and show up 8 minutes late, preferably talking on your phone and laughing like something is really funny. This makes her think that your life is actually entertaining outside of this date, even though the most exciting thing you probably did all day was eat a blackened chicken salad on your couch while watching “Millionaire Matchmaker.” Eight minutes late is very important as well. When she says, “You were ten minutes late.” You respond, “Actually I was only 8 minutes late.” This lets her know that you are a guy that pays attention to detail…and you’re kind of an asshole. Women love that. You don’t pick her up to go on the date because you want the option to bail at any moment. Also, your car is more than likely filled with Sonic wrappers and smells like multiple disappointments.
3) CONVERSATION: Don’t talk about anything important on a first date. Let’s be honest, unless you are Richard Branson or Darth Vader your life is NOT that exciting. Nobody wants to hear about your job at Yankee Candle or the new trick you just taught your pet hamster. Stick to compelling subjects like the existence of aliens or whether or not squirrels are to be trusted. This keeps your real life a mystery and also gives off the impression that you aren’t a narcissistic, self-absorbed ****head who is already thinking about what team he is going to be in “Madden” when he gets home. Another tip: always agree with whatever she says. If she has a cat, you don’t talk about how you sometimes purposely swerve sometimes to hit strays. If she hates sports, you pretend not to pay attention to the Twitter alerts you’re receiving from marginal players on your favorite Arena football team.
4) PHONE ETIQUETTE: Keep your phone on the bar (always sit at the bar, remember) and make sure it is loudly buzzing throughout the date. You probably don’t have any friends, so you will have to achieve this by setting multiple alarms. This will once again fool her into thinking that you are a popular person that has something to offer other than an overwhelming odor of Axe. Once during the date you should look at your phone as if you have just received a text and smile as if a friend of yours said something mildly amusing. Do not tell her what it is, instead say, “My friend just sent me something…she’s funny.” This makes her think that you have female friends, even if the only girl who talks to you happens to be your mother.
5) DEPARTURE: It’s time to leave. You’ve settled your $28.50 bill with the bartender who’s wearing too little flair, and you’ve left her the 10% tip she deserves. You’ve boxed up the leftovers from the 7oz. Sirloin because “your dog would really enjoy this” when you get home. It’s time to say goodbye, so you walk her to the front door…but don’t make a move. She is expecting you to reach in for a hug or (gasp) to try and kiss her. These goodbyes are much too cliché. Instead you give her an exploding fist bump. This will throw her off and she will wonder what she did to deserve such a ridiculous farewell. You always want first dates to end in an awkward manner…trust me….I’m a really cool guy.