A few years ago, I was reading a riveting article about the rise of the diabetic polar bear population in the New York Times on a park bench. It was a long op-ed piece describing the battles he and his team have in teaching these bears to monitor their blood sugar and how, although they were making major strides, the Alaskan government was going to stop matching their 401Ks. This piece of writing was so riveting that for eight and a half minutes I didn’t even notice that I was sitting on someone’s three year old child. He left that park that day in an ambulance and I’m not even sure what happened to him and I don’t even care. To be honest, I was more appalled that none of the people working at the park had the decency to approach me and tell me that I was suffocating a small child and perhaps crushing a handful of his ribs. I decided to sue the park and eventually won an undisclosed amount in an out of court settlement for my mental anguish. Now every time I have to sit down to read, I look once, sometimes even twice before sitting down. It’s a burden I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
Did any of this happen? No, of course not. Why? Because I function in everyday life like I’m not a prematurely born gorilla smoking heroin laced cigarettes.
The reason I bring this obviously overblown, hypothetical story up is because every once in a while a story hits the news that makes me absolutely loathe human beings. A few days ago, a video hit YouTube…here’s the link:
Ok, we see people texting and walking all the time. Sometimes, we even see these people bump into someone or miss a step. However, it takes a real helmet-needing, amoeba-brained individual to fall into a giant fountain. Even so, this part doesn’t even make me upset. The idiot population has been on a steady rise since, well, forever. The problem now is that our judicial system backs the nitwits. This woman is actually suing the mall because nobody came to help her. In my opinion, if someone really want to help her they would throw her down a flight of stairs and hope that it knocked her brain stem back into place. That sounds harsh, but what kind of a person would try and use their own moronic actions into a highly profitable situation?
The woman in question is named Cathy Cruz Marrero and wait for this….she WORKS AT THE MALL! She wouldn’t say what store she works in, but my guess would be that she puts the frosting on the Cinnabons with an extremely dull knife…because god forbid she had something sharp in her hands. Think very carefully about the place you go to work every day. I used to work at a college with a pond in the middle of the campus and, although illegal, I would text as I drove into the campus. Guess how many times I drove into the pond? Point being is that I could have probably driven into that place blindfolded, recited how the entire plot of the series “Oz” worked out and fought off a swarm of locusts without driving into the pond. There is no excuse for this woman’s total embrace of idiocy.
In an interview she claimed she was texting her church group friend about her husband’s birthday. This woman has a husband. My guess is that he spends his days making rubber-band balls and bouncing them off of her head at night. If they have a kid I’ll put money down that he or she dies falling off of a cliff while looking through binoculars. She wants the parties responsible to be held accountable, but I already think they have. Cathy Cruz Marrero is held responsible for it, and the entire internet community has punished her by enjoying a thoroughly pleasant, bellyaching laugh at her expense. Even more so, she is trying to turn this into some sort of “Texting and Walking” PSA to turn this into a positive.
The only positive that is coming out of her wasting our judicial system’s time and suing the mall is that we will get to see this raisin-brain fall into a fountain on our televisions for a few more weeks.
My advice: If you do something stupid, laugh at yourself
Hyperextended PenFlow 